A beautiful postcard of the Town Hall in Birmingham arrived through our post box the other day. It was painted in 1904 by an artist who is an ancestor of my husband. It was lovely to see the building looking grandiose in its original setting, and now courtesy of eBay my husband has another card to add to his collection.
The postcard in question has a controversial message written on the back. It says “out for a Saturday afternoon. Don’t come to Birmingham, it has no class and every street is up. The building could do with a wash and so could Bert”. This is where I state for the record that these opinions about Birmingham are not shared by me! I don’t want to offend any of our Birmingham clients or readers. I love Birmingham! I spent happy years there studying for my degree! I love its energy and diversity.
Anyway, the message on the back (written in 1904) got me thinking about all of the postcards I have sent and received over the years and most especially all of the ones I could have sent but didn’t? Postcards with really honest messages on would have said things like “_____ does not like the holiday cottage so has not slept for 3 days, and neither have I”, or “_______ ran away in Central Park. We could not find him anywhere so found ourselves driving around in a New York police department car frantically looking for him”. Other versions might include the time when we were thrown off a train in Holland after one of our children exhibited challenging behaviour, the time when a child barricaded themselves into a toilet in a restaurant in Amsterdam, the time when my husband was taking the kids across London on the underground and one of them did not get on the train with him and he realised just as the said train was pulling out of the station, or the time when one of our kids hit another child in a ball pool at a holiday resort and the parents became very angry with us. I’m pretty sure you all get the gist now, so I won’t bore you with any more stories of eventful holidays.
We are approaching the time of year when we all go away for a holiday. We look forward to some good weather, time on the beach, a good read, some interesting activities and good food. Essentially we want to rest and relax. Yet if you are a carer, especially to children with special needs, a holiday is the exact opposite. It can actually be more challenging and is seldom restful. So, I thought I would write about what can be done to make things a little bit easier for everyone and share some of the things that I’ve learned over the years:
Accommodation – where are you going to be staying? Is it suitable for your needs as a family? We learned early on that hotels were not suitable for us. They’re just too big and busy. Our kids found these busy environments difficult to cope with and being under the microscope of other guests observing their challenging behaviour was very stressful for us. If I had a penny for every time I’ve been given “helpful advice” in the middle of dealing with a child in meltdown, I would be a very rich woman by now. Usual comments involved “ooh you want to be stricter with them love, a good smack would do it”, or “what a mean Mummy, no wonder they are upset”. You can imagine the scenario?
Even smaller hotels could be difficult because our children had sleep difficulties and were very active at nights. I remember well the time a fellow guest at our hotel in Nice, ranted at us in French that we had kept him up all night. Hotel accommodation also presented other challenges too. We had kids with little awareness of danger who were climbers. Hotels with balconies and doors that could be easily opened also added to our stress levels. The solution we settled on was to rent a house for a week or two in a destination that was familiar. Although, this meant visiting the same place over and over again for a few years, it worked until they were old enough to travel further. Having a rented house for the week also meant that we could take their bedding, toys and other familiar items with us. This made such a difference to our children feeling comfortable.
We are all different so what worked for us may require a different solution for you. If you have loved ones with physical restrictions and needs, there are some specialist holiday rentals in the UK that cater for wheelchair users and have facilities like adapted bathrooms. These can be hard to find but there are some charities that run holiday homes, so it’s worth searching for them on Google, or calling up your local parent partnership scheme to see if they have details about them. You might find this website helpful:
http://www.disabledholidays.com/about/disabled-holidays-for-children.html
Alternatively, you might find this company helpful. They hire out villas for families with young children and their properties have safety equipment such as fencing and stair gates already there:
Preparation – in my experience this is key to success. My first step was always to prepare some emergency contact information. Ours were runners, if you let go of them for a second they were off. This always caused us so much concern. To prepare for this eventuality I always sewed labels into their clothing with our mobile number and name on, so that if they ran off we could be easily contacted.
Then I always started by having a good think about all of the elements of each day which were essential. What did I use that kept everything ticking over smoothly? You’d be surprised at how much you rely on when you analyse it. For us this included medications, special diet food, PECS books, visual timetables, social stories, blankies, stair gates, bed guards, pokemon toys, Thomas DVDs for the 6am wake up (even Speech therapists let their kids watch cartoons at unearthly hours), and game boys.
Having thought about essential items to make everyone feel more comfortable and make things go smoother I would then turn my attention to preparing the children. This usually started a little time in advance (whatever your kids can cope with). You don’t want to do it so early that anxiety levels start to rise, yet you want to give everyone enough time to process it. We usually started a few weeks before by talking generally about going on holiday. Then as the weeks got closer I would share more information. We would look at maps, talk about the area we were going to and remember things we had done there before. Old photographs are helpful to look at. Then I would make a social story explaining what was going to happen.
What is a social story? They are brief descriptive stories that provide accurate information regarding a social situation. Parents, teachers, and caregivers can use these simple stories as a tool to prepare the child for a new situation, to address problem behaviour, or even to teach new skills in conjunction with reinforcing responses. They usually use very simple language and are very personal. They normally include photographs of the child and whatever the story is focused on. Social stories are designed to help children understand social situations, expectations, social cues, new activities, and/or social rules. In the past I have used them to help with getting haircuts, having feet measured, wearing shorts, new clothes, toilet training, attending family weddings and going on holiday. Think carefully about the information you include when you write a social story. I once mistakenly included a photo of a blue plane in a social story and when we got to the airport my son had a massive meltdown when he realised the plane was not blue. If you can try to use black and white photos/line drawings or pictures that are not too prescriptive. You can find some really useful information about how to write a social story on the National Autistic Society website at:
http://www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies/social-stories-comic-strips/how-to-write.aspx
Calendar – a simple calendar pitched at your child’s level, counting down sleeps, a few days before can be a gentle way of preparing them for the change too. This can be as simple as a regular calendar that you tick each day or a more sophisticated version with pictures/photos and velcro. It can be useful to think ahead about some of the activities you are planning to do and this is where a calendar can be helpful too. Again you want to avoid being too prescriptive ahead of time. Having some sort of timetable/calendar that you look at the night before each activity can help minimise anxiety and prepare little ones for what is ahead. Whilst being on holiday seems like a nice treat, it can actually be quite worrying for someone for whom routine and familiar surroundings bring comfort.
Travel – this can be a real challenge for anyone with little ones but most especially for children with special needs. My advice would be to pack lots of activities to occupy them, especially if you are flying anywhere. ipads, tablets, hand held gaming devices, books, comics and colouring can be good and don’t take up much room. Make sure you tell your airline that you are travelling with someone with special needs and request assisted travel. This will enable you to board the plane separately and can minimise waiting times too (a biggy if you have kids with ASD who cannot cope with waiting). Some airports will have a quiet area that can be made available to you if you request it. Don’t be shy, if your special needs child/family member find any aspect of going through the security or boarding process at an airport difficult, then speak up. Make sure you tell a member of staff what your needs are and if necessary ask if you can jump the queue.
If you are in the car, journeys can be more flexible because driving somewhere has the advantage of being able to stop regularly and stretch your legs. However, as anyone with young children knows even short journeys can be full of “are we there yet”. This is where it can be useful to use a personal DVD player or audio book.
Activities – when you finally get to your destination and have unpacked and settled in, you might want to start thinking about how to fill your time. This is where thinking ahead can be really helpful. Do you need to check out disabled access/facilities? Can they cater for your needs, especially things like dietary needs? Do you need to provide the venue with information about your special needs? What are the opening times? Is there a quieter time of day to visit? Finding out about what is available in a local area can make things smoother when you are there. Have a plan B too if you can. Alternatively, if you have children who can access a kid’s club at a resort then try to prepare a communication passport in advance that you can give to them when you get there (or beforehand if possible). A communication passport is a small booklet presenting easy to follow information about a child or adult, in an accessible and person-centred way recording the important things about them. Here is a link to a website about communication passports:
http://www.communicationpassports.org.uk/Home/
Look after yourself too – as I write this I am thinking “well this is all beginning to sound like a lot of hard work”. That’s because being on holiday when you have loved ones with special needs is more of a change of scene, rather than a rest. Putting some thought into your holiday and preparing can make a big difference. When you’re planning, make sure you put some thought into YOU too!!! Try to set aside some moments for you to recharge your batteries. If you can, consider inviting friends to share holidays with you so you can share babysitting; persuade Grandma to come for a few days; or simply take it in turns to go and do something for yourself ……………… an hour fishing, a stroll around a lake, a solitary swim, a spa treatment, a beer down the pub, or a cappuccino and a good book are some possibilities?
I hope this has been helpful? For some other tips/suggestions then have a look at this website:
http://www.livingwellwithautism.com/travel_and_holidays
Enjoy it – make sure you take a camera and take lots of photos. Consider making a scrapbook/journal about your holiday to look back on at a later date. These memories are precious even if they feel stressful at the time. Try to identify one thing each day with your family that was special, so that everyone focuses on the positive. Whatever you do, I hope you have a happy summer holiday!!
Written by Alison Mann on behalf of Integrated Treatment Services
